Nothing can make a parent feel more helpless, isolated, or more intensely judged than a public meltdown.
You're in the grocery store aisle. It's loud, it's bright, and you've been there just a few minutes too long. Suddenly, your child screams and drops to the floor. Or perhaps they hit a sibling. Or, in a heart-stopping flash, they make a dash for the automatic doors.
In that moment, your body is flooded with adrenaline. Your first, most primal instinct is a wave of pure panic and an overwhelming desire to just... make... it... stop. Your mind races with a dozen frantic thoughts: "Everyone is staring," "Why are they doing this to me?" "How do I get out of here?"
But what if we took a breath and reframed that question?
Instead of "How do I stop this?" what if we asked, "What are they trying to say?"
This is the single most powerful shift a parent can make. In almost every case, a challenging behavior—whether it’s hitting, screaming, dropping, or running—is not "bad" behavior. It is not manipulation. It is a desperate, raw, and frustrated attempt at communication.
Your child is using the only tool they have left in their toolbox that they know will get a fast, powerful result.
As we explored in our guide to functional language, many children have a gap between knowing a word (like "juice") and being able to use it to get their needs met (like asking for "juice"). When that communication bridge fails, and the internal feeling of thirst, frustration, or overwhelm becomes too much, they are left with only one option: a behavior.
Our job as parents and caregivers is to stop being the "behavior police" and start being "behavior detectives." We must put on our detective hats and figure out what that tool is being used for. What is the function of this behavior?
When you find the "why," you unlock the "how."
The Four "Functions" of Behavior: A Detective's Guide
In nearly all cases, a behavior is happening for one of four simple reasons. Your child is trying to get something or escape something.
Clinicians call these the "four functions of behavior." We call them the four simple clues to understanding your child's unmet needs.
1. To Get Attention
What it looks like (The Scenario): You're on an important phone call. Your child, who was playing happily, suddenly throws a toy truck past your head. You immediately end the call, turn to them, and say, "No! We do not throw!"
What your child is really saying: "Look at me!" "Engage with me!" "I feel disconnected, and I need to know you're still there."
The Detective's Note: The child often looks right at you immediately after the behavior. The behavior seems to magically appear only when your attention is elsewhere (on the phone, talking to another adult, making dinner). The child has learned that a "negative" interaction (being told "no") is still a form of attention, and it's faster and more reliable than tapping you on the shoulder and waiting.
2. To Get a Tangible Item
What it looks like (The Scenario): Your child's sibling is on the iPad. Your child walks over, hits their sibling, snatches the iPad, and runs. Or, you're in the cereal aisle. Your child points at the brightly colored, sugary brand. You say, "No, we're getting the healthy one." The screaming begins and doesn't stop until, five minutes later, you give in just to get out of the store.
What your child is really saying: "Give me that!" "I want that thing, and I don't have the words or the patience to ask for it."
The Detective's Note: This one is often the most straightforward. The behavior always happens in the presence of a desired item (a toy, a snack, a device) and always stops as soon as the child gets the item. They have learned that hitting is quicker than waiting for a turn. They have learned that screaming is more effective than accepting "no."
3. To Escape a Demand or Situation
What it looks like (The Scenario): It's time to do homework. You put the worksheet on the table. Your child immediately slides out of their chair and disappears under the table. You spend the next ten minutes trying to coax them out. Or, you say, "Time to put your shoes on!" and your child suddenly goes "limp," falling to the floor like a sack of potatoes, making it impossible to get their shoes on.
What your child is really saying: "I'm done with this!" "This is too hard!" "I don't want to!" "I feel overwhelmed, and I need to get out of here."
The Detective's Note: The behavior always happens immediately following a direction or "demand" from an adult. It could be "time for bed," "turn off the TV," or "come to the table." The behavior, whether it's running away, screaming, or going limp, successfully delays or completely removes the task they don't want to do.
4. To Get or Escape Sensory Input
This is often the most misunderstood function, and it has two very different-looking sides.
A) To Escape Sensory Input (What it looks like): You walk into a crowded mall. The music is loud, the lights are fluorescent and buzzing, and there are a thousand competing smells. Your child, who was fine in the car, suddenly covers their ears and bolts for the door. This isn't about escaping a "demand"; it's about escaping a physical feeling. Their nervous system is on fire.
What your child is really saying: "This is too much!" "It hurts!" "My brain is overwhelmed, and I have to get out!"
B) To Get Sensory Input (What it looks like): Your child is "hyper." They are crashing into the sofa cushions over and over. They are rocking intensely in their chair. They are making a loud, repetitive humming sound. This isn't to get your attention (they may do it when alone) or to get a toy.
What your child is really saying: "This feels good!" "My body needs this input to feel calm and organized." "I am under-stimulated, and I need to feel something."
The Detective's Note: This behavior often seems to come from nowhere. It's not tied to a specific item or a demand. It's tied to the environment (too loud, too bright) or an internal drive (the need to move, crash, or self-soothe).
What to Do With This Information: From Detective to Teacher
Once you start seeing the function instead of the behavior, everything changes.
You stop seeing a "naughty child" and start seeing a child with an "unmet need." You stop seeing a child who is giving you a hard time and start seeing a child who is having a hard time.
The solution, therefore, is no longer about punishment. Punishment only teaches a child what not to do (and often, just not to get caught). It never teaches them what to do instead.
The solution is about teaching.
You have to teach a Replacement Skill: a new, appropriate, and simple way for your child to get their needs met. Critically, this new skill must be just as easy, and even more effective, than the challenging behavior.
Here’s how it works:
If the function is ATTENTION:
- Instead of: Throwing a toy.
- Teach them to: Tap you gently on the arm, or hand you a small "play with me" picture card.
- How to teach it: Practice this new skill when you are not on the phone. Make it a fun game. "Tap my arm!" Then, the moment they do, reward it with a huge, positive reaction. "Great tapping! I'm all yours!" Over time, they learn that tapping your arm is faster, easier, and gets a better reaction than throwing a toy.
If the function is TANGIBLE (getting an item):
Instead of: Hitting a sibling for the iPad.
Teach them to: Use a "my turn" card, or point to a picture of the iPad on a communication board, or use a word on an AAC device.
How to teach it: Practice this when things are calm. Hold the iPad and prompt them to tap the picture. The instant they do, hand it over for 30 seconds. You are teaching them that tapping the picture is a 100% effective way to get what they want. It's much easier and more reliable than a physical fight.
If the function is ESCAPE (from a demand):
Instead of: Sliding under the table.
Teach them to: Tap a "break" card, or simply say "break" or "all done."
How to teach it: Start with a very simple task. Before they can get upset, prompt them to tap the "break" card. The moment they do, enthusiastically say, "Great job asking for a break! Take 30 seconds!" By honouring their request for a break before the behavior starts, you teach them that this new skill has power. It's an easier way to get a break than a 10-minute standoff under the table.
If the function is SENSORY:
This one is about accommodating, not just teaching.
To Escape Sensory Input: Be proactive. If you know a store is a trigger, provide noise-canceling headphones before you go in. Offer sunglasses. Maybe this is a trip they don't need to be on.
To Get Sensory Input: Don't try to stop the need; try to meet it safely. "It looks like your body needs to crash! Let's use the crash pad (a pile of cushions in the corner), not the sofa." Provide a safe, appropriate way to get that input, like a "sensory diet" of swinging, jumping, or deep pressure.
You Are Not Alone in This
This is the foundation of modern, evidence-based therapy. It's a compassionate, logical process that gives your child new, safer tools to communicate.
Moving from just "managing" behaviors to truly solving them is hard work. It takes time, patience, and consistency. But you don't have to do it alone. This is exactly what a good, compassionate ABA therapy program is designed to do.
A skilled care team, like the ones Tellos connects families with, acts as your partner. They are expert behavior detectives who can help you find the "why" and then create a fun, play-based plan to teach a new, better "how."
If you're ready to build this bridge and give your child a new set of tools to communicate their needs, it's worth reading about the professional approach. This guide explains exactly how ABA therapy helps reduce challenging behaviors by finding the function and teaching a replacement skill.
Remember, your child is not their behavior. That behavior is just a desperate, garbled message. You can learn to be the translator.
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